Editorial: With apologies to Dr. Seuss

Posted Sunday, October 20, 2013 in Opinion

Editorial: With apologies to Dr. Seuss

I was wandering south in my beat-up Toyota

With a bag full of road food and a warm diet soda

When I came to the Potomac and decided to rest

In the shadow of a building shaped like a huge breast.


Countless K Streeters had suckled that teat

And countless reporters had shuffled that beat

And I, like my fellows, grabbed camera and pad

And ran to the Dirksen, 20 CI to be had.


I came upon a man who had read Dr. Seuss

To an audience of people who just wanted to snooze.

He had tried to defund a law on health care

Such a ‘socialist’ scheme was more than he could bear.


But the Senate was held by this man’s opposition

And even though he was certainly no mathematician

He understood that in the Senate he was destined to lose.

So he interfered with the House, did Ted Cruz.


Mr. Cruz had puppy-dog eyes that constantly viewed

The other end of Pennsylvania Avenue.

For this Texas-Canadian had higher aspiration -

He wanted to hold a tea party for the whole nation.


But so far only 20 percent had RSVPed

And Cruz knew where affordable health care would lead.

So to stop the law he made a terrible bet

To shut down the government, default on the debt.


The House, played for fools, did their Cruz-master’s bidding

The tea party made the Speaker send the government skidding.

For sixteen days was the government shut down

And the rest of the country thought they all looked like clowns.


But on the horizon a far greater threat

Was the possible defaulting of America’s debt.

Cruz with his non-mathematician’s mind

Refused to believe that we’d be in a terrible bind.


The Senate, however, was wiser than he,

And passed a compromise with McConnell and Reid.

And in the House Boehner abandoned his Hastert Rule

And passed the bill with Dems and the non-loony pool


While the tea party and the K Streeters gnashed their few teeth

And the President signed the budget beneath

The Washington portrait.  And wondered aloud

If next time the tea party would be smart, or unbowed.


And I went to find the man who had started

The whole bloody mess to see if he had parted

Ways with the lunatic fringe on the right.

But what I found was a man still willing to incite.


Ted Cruz was convinced he was in the ascent

Though tea party approval had dropped to 8 percent.

“You may have lost them the House in 2014,”

I said to Ted Cruz as he continued to preen.


Ted Cruz said America was standing with him

(Though the tea party’s poll numbers were desperately grim.)

He predicted a thorough tea party rout

To kill the ACA, and throw the bums out.


Ted Cruz was standing in a hall of mirrors

Seeing reflections as followers ever clearer.

A man in a bubble, with his own echoed voice

And believing others support him, rejoiced.


And I, with my camera and paper and pen

Wondered if he really believed his “amen”.

An ivy-league boy on the lunatic fringe

Was enough to make this old reporter cringe.


“I repeat!” cried Ted Cruz.  “I speak for the Teas!”

“Oh, I’m busy,” I said.  “Shut up, if you please.”

I called up the paper and said “Hold the presses!

Ted Cruz says he’s not finished with his messes!”


“He says Senate GOP will be held accountable

Even though the odds have been insurmountable.

He says tea partiers will primary, and in a nutshell,

He says they’ll begin with the seat of McConnell!”


In Texas, where Cruz peddles his tea-flavored snake oil

There may be more rattlesnakes in their tight coil

Saying ‘Don’t tread on me’, but they are slowly fading

As the old white men are dying, degrading.


Cruz knows that his only chance at 1600

Is 2016, before the tea party’s plunder

Is completely undone by a strong tide of blue

And the demographics shift to you-know-who.


And so he’ll be crazy, be mad as a hatter

And chat all the rest of the tea party chatter

If that’s what it takes to become president

Or perhaps, instead, a mental hospital resident.


Thank goodness for Ted that pre-existing conditions

Are covered under Obamacare’s provisions.

And perhaps all his followers can get the help they need

Once they abandon the tea party screed.

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